36) SPIRITUAL



Spiritual is from the future...

At least that's what he believes. Spiritual stands about 5 foot 8 and weighs less than a 135 pounds. He is the color of cinnamon and has two large buck teeth. He arrived to Killer-K from the hole this morning. I've seen Spiritual many times in the yard. He is always carrying a Bible and preaching of the end of days. He's not a very popular dude. I actually sat in the yard and listened to his sermon once, while I was high. It consisted of the usual stuff fire and brimstone type preachers talk about, but then he said something that fucked my high all the way off. Spiritual looked me right in the eye and said,"Brother, it is never too late to repent. We have all sinned. The Father still loves you." Maybe it was the weed fucking with me, but I felt my eyes begin to water up, so I got the fuck out of there quick.
That was the last time I had direct contact with Spiritual.... That is until today. As I was heating my coffee up this morning I watched Spiritual pick up about three cigarette butts off of the floor. I hate to see a nigga down on they luck, so I went into my cell grabbed a pack of Bugler and gave it to him. I went back to my cell to cool out for a while, when I heard a little knock at my cell door. It was Spiritual. I told him to come in and have a seat. I placed the toilet seat cover down and Spiritual sat. We chopped it up for a minute about this and that and then Spiritual dropped the bomb on me. Spiritual told me he is from the future. It took a Hercules like effort not to bust out laughing in his face. Here is what he said. He is from the year 2015, he came back in time to stop an attack/war involving our country. (He was very vague on which. Attack, or war?) The government did something to him so he can't remember what he was sent to do. The attack/war will involve missiles. (Missiles attacking America? You know this nigga is crazy!) The attack/war will happen during the first year of the new millennium, in broad daylight while the whole world watches. I had to stop him right there. If he was really from the future he could answer a few questions for me, right? "Will there be flying cars in the future? What are the power ball numbers for next month? Will McDonald's  finally serve a breakfast sandwich with no pork? Who wins the next four Super Bowls?
What stocks should I buy right now? Who is the President in 2015? Will George Lucas ever finish the Star Wars saga? Did they find a cure for athletes foot? Is Victor Newman still on The Young & The Restless? Where is your time machine?" All these questions and the nigga couldn't answer one. He stuck with his story of the government fucking up his memory. I actually said, "nigga please!" Then spiritual removed his baseball cap and I could see a large circular, surgical scar that started from the front of his hairline and traveled to the left side of his ear. "This is what your government did to me!," he said. My government? I must have pissed him off, because spiritual kind of stomped outta my cell with a little attitude. The more I thought about it the more absurd the shit became to me. Fraction and I smoked a joint after the cell doors closed and talked about "Future boy." Here are all the holes I found in the story. (1) One man can't stop a war/attack. Fraction disagrees. "What if all he had to do was kill one person. The mastermind behind the whole thing," Fraction said. (2) Where is his time machine? "Who said it has to be a machine? What if it was some sort of portal that transported him?" Okay, Fraction was on a roll and pissing me off. So I saved the best for last.
(3) If your from the future and you know this war/attack is gonna happen the first year of the new millennium, why come back to 1996? Why not go straight to the new millennium? Better yet, why not go to December 31, 1999 and bring in the new millennium with the rest of the world?... Fraction had no answer for that one.

Now that I think about it, Spiritual looks to be around 35 years old. That means if Spiritual was 35 years old in 2015 there should be a 16 year old version of him running around somewhere in California as I write this. Tomorrow I'm gonna tell Spiritual he should give his teenage self a call and warn him (16 year old Spiritual that is) about the war/attack. Fraction say I'll go to hell if I fuck with the nigga like that. I'm still high as fuck!

35) C RAT

C Rat got caught by a guard jacking off in his cell again today...

I realize niggas have needs, but C Rat chokes the chicken about 5 times a
day. First off C Rat has priors for whipping his dick out whenever a female guard comes by his cell. At first I thought it funny, but then I got to thinking that maybe the nigga has some kind of mental problem. I've always been under the assumption that women could see a dick and be like "Oh, whatever." Men on the other hand are just the opposite. All I have to see is a hint of some titties and I'm ready to go. Shit, just the other day I jacked off to a picture of Barbara Walters. Why?... Because she had a little cleavage action going on. C Rat and I were the only ones watching TV this morning (music videos) when this beautiful girl in a bikini graces the screen. C Rat is like, "Damn, that bitch is bad!" I definitely had to agree with him. And then he said, "Yo, Hype don't turn the TV. I'll be right back. I'm about to go fuck that bitch." This nigga saw a bitch for 15 seconds and now he's going to jack off to her. That's crazy, but that's C Rat. Dudes that have priors for flashing female guards, caught jerking off by a female guard, or saying anything sexual to a female guard are required to wear a red card around their necks. Needless to say, C Rat has one of these cards. The story goes that C Rat was caught masturbating by female guards so much that not only does he have to wear the red card, but he is also not allowed to place his hands in his pockets around female guards either. Now I've seen C Rat do some freaky shit. For example, sniffing the
chair a female guard has recently occupied. Licking the lipstick stained coffee cup a female guard has just thrown away, and the list goes on. But nothing tops the story that Killer Boom told me about C Rat. Apparently, C Rat had a huge crush on a female guard that worked in the kitchen of the chow hall. C Rat was a kitchen worker and had been caught several times by this woman stroking the Alabama Black Snake. One morning, several guard including this female guard had all the morning kitchen workers seated in the chow hall. They explained to the inmates new rules regarding the handling of knives. For obvious reasons this woman officer tended to avoid direct eye contact with C Rat. C Rat played it cool and listened attentively, but something kept distracting her. It was C Rat... C Rat was tapping his his right foot up and down, as if he was listening to a B.B. King song. This must have annoyed her, because she motioned for a male guard to come in. She said something to the guard and the guard asked C Rat to come with him into the hallway. Outside, in the hallway Boom said he saw the guard frisk C Rat. He then asked C Rat to remove his shoes. He still found nothing. That is until C Rat was asked to remove his socks also. What they found is something so
funny that I can barely write this without laughing my ass off. C Rat had tied a piece of dental floss around the big toe of his right foot and ran it up his leg where he tied it off on his dick. His dick! Only a crazy person would think of some shit like that. C Rat is the only person I have ever heard of that found a way to jack his dick off with his foot. There really is a thin line between genius and crazy... That's it for now, they're about to do mail call...